Rabid Dogs, Johnny Depp and Coffee
by evilsheep24
Summary: Set sometime in season 4. Lois' thoughts on the Clark/Chloe/Lana love triangle. Slight Chlark and Clana.


**This is set sometime in season 4 and is Lois' thoughts on the Chloe/Clark/Lana triangle and more. This weird little piece just came into my head so I thought I'd write it. This is the first fanfiction I've written so please go easy on me. Read and review, I live off feedback!**

* * *

They're doing it again.

No, not _that_ you dirty minded person. And that's definitely a mental image I could've done without. Clark, and Lana. Staring in their sickly puppy dog eyed way at each other. You'd think there was an electric fence complete with rabid dogs between the two of them, and not just the counter of the Talon the way they act. They're just...staring. Makes me want to poke the lovestruck fools with a stick to get them to do something, or at least check if they're still alive.

I can see why Chloe's acting as if someone's just blown up the Daily Planet. That big, dumb hay-brained lump of flannel still doesn't see what's right in front of him since he's too busy gawking at the pink puff ball floating about. It'll take a crow bar to get those damn Lana goggles off.

Now I have nothing against the girl. Even though I'm certain she'd break out in hives if presented with anything that's not in a shade of pastel, she seems...pleasant enough. A bit bland, and she only seems to be able to speak in whispery tones, but, well, lovely none the less.

It's Smallville I have the problem with. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had my cuz on the phone to me in tears over the years. He is supposed to be her BEST friend for pete's sake. And yet time and time again he stomps on her heart with those muddy work boots of his.

I don't even see what's so special about him. Does Chloe really think he's gonna be able to keep up with a Lane-Sullivan girl on her way to being the greatest damn reporter Metropolis has ever seen? I don't think so. That hayseed gets flustered about messing up that barn of his. I go near like one tool box and he goes mental. I mean c'mon, it's a freakin' barn. I don't think they're known for their sparkling up keep.

I plonk myself down next to Chloe in the booth she's occupying. Her face is expressionless, eyes downcast, blinking at her coffee. I guess now I'm here she's decided to take a break from viewing the sickening teen angst that is the Clark'n'Lana show.

At one time I would have been able to read her face like a book. Somewhere along the way she started closing herself off, putting up more and more walls so most people were lucky if they caught a glimpse of the real her.

She never was the same after her mother left. Much less trusting, more cynical, I guess. Those qualities will help her become the award winning journalist that she wants to be, well, will be one day.

The king of plaid hasn't exactly helped either. I'm not the most educated gal around, but it doesn't take someone with more degrees than a thermometer to figure out that being rejected time after time doesn't exactly do wonders for you.

"Hey Chlo'." I say. It's not Shakespeare, I'll give you that, but it's a conversation starter at least.

Silence...and more coffee glaring with the occasional glance at Lana and Smallville. Okay. Let's try again.

"You can do so much better than him, Chloe. You know that?"

She finally looks up at me, with amusement in her eyes. "Lois, the amount of times you've tried to squish that sentence into my skull, I don't think I'll be able to recall anything else."

"Fantastic. The brainwashing's working at last then." We both smile, Chloe rolls her eyes. I swear they'll get stuck like that one day.

She's looking at Smallville again. Well, that lasted long. Oh dear... " I hate to say this Lo', but I just can't wipe the slate of my feelings for Clark, even if I used steel wool on the damn thing... And before you start ranting at me, I know how ridiculous this whole love triangle thing is that's going on. It's right out of a TV show."

The look she had on her face through most of that makes me wanna bash Smallville over the head with a spade and shove dynamite up his ass. He deserves it too, stupid over grown wombat. No one does this to a member of my family and gets away with it.

"I'm sure they'd have a field day with us."

She snorts. " Yeah, Clark and Lana would be the lead roles, doing their whole weird walking on egg shells around each other thing. I'd be the witty blonde sidekick. You..."

"...Would be the amazingly talented yet stunningly beautiful brunette." I'm modest too. To good to be true really.

Chloe looks happier. At last, some hope for my cheer-up-Chloe mission! "Obviously, Lois. Were you expecting me to say something else, were you?" She tries to look innocently at me, hands holding her face, eye lashes fluttering away.

"Chloe, no offence, but Lex Luthor has more of a chance at pulling off that face than you do."

"Hey! That is mean and...a very odd mental image."

I try to stop myself from spitting Chloe's drink all over the table at the thought. So much for sneakily taking a sip. " That's an expression that I'd rather not see on our follically challenged billionaire thank you very much."

She seems more up beat now. Time to go in for the kill, I think.

" What do ya say we go and have a movie night at yours. Just us girls, since Uncle Gabe's away working. Popcorn, candy, ice cream, you name it, we can try and consume as much as possible while arguing which guy out of that Pirate's of the Caribbean movie is hottest."

She's smiling again. I count that as Lois -1 Chloe's demons -0. " Sound's like a plan." We get up to go. Captain Jack, here I come!

"Lois?"

"Yeah?"

"...Thanks."

"For what? Now come on, Johnny Depp won't wait be around for us forever."

As we're leaving Smallville suddenly unfreezes, blocking our way. Maybe if I hold this fork menacing enough he'll get the message.

"Hey guys, you heading off?" Apparently not.

Before I get the chance to speak, Chloe butts in, throwing me a 'behave' look. "Yeah, we're just going to start our girls night in. Ice cream, movies, the whole shebang."

Wait, what? Shebang? Breathing the same air as him seems to be lowering her IQ points. We gotta go before this disease spreads any further.

Smallville looks at me with one of his two expressions. This one's confusion. Lucky me. "Lois... what's with the fork?"

" Oh you know...just in case." Chloe starts laughing and tells me she's getting the car. Who said I was joking?

"Is something wrong Lois?" Clark still looks confused. I so do not have time to be his mother hen today.

"Are you still here? Look Clark, here's some advice." I glance out the door to where Chloe is. "Open your eyes for once and see what's right under your nose. You'll find that there's a whole world outside Miss Lang." I shove the fork to his chest to try and drive the comment home.

Chloe beeps the horn from outside. My cue to go. I pat Smallville on the head, kinda like a dog. Nope, exactly like a dog. I ruffle his hair for good measure. "Bye Clarkie."

"See you, Lois, it's never a pleasure."

I hit him and left. I'll leave a wound on that boy one day, even if it's the last thing I do.

** End**


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